i remembered the last time i went for CIBTC ATC was as a trainee, and that was 3 years ago - june 2004.

this time round (december 2007), i went CIBTC ATC as safety officer. definitely it feels different, or i should say, it feels weird. i don't like this feel. thinking back, i have never been happy with myself in this different role. maybe that also explains why i have been wanting to take a step back in NPCC matters.

the disappointment came in when you actually witnessed how the generation difference plays a crucial role in this disgust feel. ): this is indeed the first time i saw the instructors so upset with the trainees till the campfire mood was dampened. guimei and i always have the utmost respect for the instructors, especially whenever nelson filled us in with how much effort they put in for a course. SIGH, is it really the generation difference that caused the trainees to be so different? is it really the generation difference that gave me the feeling of attending a sec 3 ATC camp instead of a CI-to-be ATC.

it breaks my heart during that 1 hour when the issue was brought up yesterday. i saw some instructors teared, others were pissed and disappointed. it breaks my heart seeing the trainees behaving like that and seeing the instructors so disappointed and pissed. SIGH.

the only benefit i gained being safety officer is i really can just put myself in the shoes of an observer and see things at a different angle. and yes, its the only benefit because i don't like sitting down doing nothing and everyone treat us so different.

anyway, i shall put a full stop at the back of this issue before i get even more disgusted with NPCC. afterall, the latter once changed me into a better person. actually.... the protagonists of this issue do not just include some of the yucky trainees, it also includes some of the staff officers - the way in which they portray the image of themselves in front of many. SIGH. i don't know, sometimes i get very irritated with the officers. AHHH. why am i seeing the ugly sides of people. this is bad.

oh well, this entry seems to be like a reflection from 3 years ago till now. so disclaimer stated, because it will be a very long entry uh. my close friends know how downcast i was for the past 2 years in terms of a relationship; whenever i looked at him, i would just transformed into a peak of emotional state. and before i head to the camp on monday, yanbo called and warned me that nky is going to the camp as well and asked if i would take it emotionally. HAHAHA. i know it is going to be awkward and it proved me right. throughout the camp, the both of us just behaved as though we are the like poles of a magnet - we repel and we did not talk to each other at all. i shall not deny the fact that i still carry feelings for him. there are a few opportunities where i could approach him for a chat, but miss hoo lee pin chickened out. HAHA.

OKAYS, believe me, i am not feeling the peaky point of emotions now, not to the extent of 'omg. i am so sad and i want to cry'. instead, i feel happy. i enjoyed the moments of silence with him when we were so close. and for the 2 mornings when i went to help prepare abit of the breakfast, he was there. and the feeling i was experiencing at that moment was just my heart thumping hard and fast enough.

you know, compared with the past 2 years, i know i matured in dealing with this. and can i just credit him for doing that? please, no sacarsm in this statement. HAHAHA. sigh. i really going to frame these 2 days of indirectly spending the moments(of silence) with him as the leepin's best moments 2007.

ANW friends, chill. right now, i will not u turn and ask him back. i will let nature takes its course and let God decides for me. I believe if both of us have the fate and destiny, i will be with him. i always think he's the best and errs, yesh, till now i still think he's the best guy. HAHAHA. okays, i know i sound so cliche and so melodramatic, but.. HMM. how many people can actually make you feel this way? not many, except some who are able to make you think of the fairytales stories with happy ending - my family and him have the ability to make me dream. (: